“Am I going to be a good parent, or will my child blame me for the rest of their life?”
A question on most parents' minds.
With so much information out there, which parenting style do you choose?
Do you choose leniency over strictness, or responsibility over freedom?
How do you teach resilience and flexibility, and help them achieve healthy social connections and professional fulfillment?
How do you create a well-balanced child who’s going to have a happy and successful, autonomous life well into adulthood… and maybe like you at the same time?
This complete guide will be your ‘go-to’ cheat sheet. It will walk you through the various parenting styles, with clear examples and benefits for both you and your child. While most guides cover 4 parenting styles, this guide covers all 7.
What are the Different Parenting Styles?
-
Authoritarian Parenting
-
Authoritative Parenting
-
Permissive Parenting
-
Uninvolved Parenting
-
Helicopter Parenting
-
Free-Range Parenting
-
Attachment Parenting
The Four Main Parenting Styles and Their Effects
A study performed by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s is still relevant today. Baumrind’s psychological research monitored how various parenting styles affect the child’s behavior; three main styles were categorized:
1. Authoritarian
2. Authoritative
3. Permissive
They were based on 2 key principles:
i) responsiveness: support, nurturing, and emotional validation.
ii) demandingness: authority and high expectations.
4. Uninvolved
Building on Baumrind's framework, researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin complemented her study in the 1980s by adding a fourth style — the uninvolved parent.
-
Authoritarian Parenting - “Do as You’re Told”
-What is Authoritarian Parenting:
Authoritarian parenting can be identified as a one-sided approach. A ‘do as you're told because I said so’ method.
Discipline is important to the parents; rules are put in place that must be obeyed and followed. To question an ‘order’ is not an option. To follow it is the rule.
Punishment is a given in this authoritarian approach; expectations are high without suggesting any guidance or direction, as the parents do not require a dialogue between parent and child.
Warmth and emotional support are lacking and are neither important nor considered necessary by the parent.
Parents are very demanding and lack responsiveness; instead, they are dismissive of the child’s wishes, voice, or needs.
- Clear Examples:
A child may ask if they can play outside after dinner. The parent will say no; if they’re asked why, they will answer, “because I said so."
A child may get grounded for not doing their chores and for not obeying the rules.
- Effects on Kids:
On the positive side, children can be independent, obedient, disciplined, and self-sufficient, which sounds ideal.
However, they may also struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, and social challenges, ultimately feeling most secure in an organised, structured, and controlled environment. They might internalize their emotions and feel insignificant, yet aim for perfection.
-
Authoritative Parenting - “What Do You Think? How Do You Feel?”
-What is Authoritative Parenting:
Authoritative parenting is widely considered the most effective and balanced approach to raising children.
Boundaries are set, children feel heard, seen, and secure. Parents are nurturing in every aspect, guiding their child's growth and development along the way.
Open, equal communication is important and practiced. The child is asked for their opinion and how they feel.
Trust is established, and the child feels confident and safe, comfortably approaching their parents for any topic. They get supportive feedback, and a trusting environment is established for them to raise any questions.
Parents are highly engaged and responsive to their activities and feelings. Rules exist, explained by the parents in a warm, respectful, and loving way. With authoritative parenting, children don’t feel forced to follow rules; instead, they feel free to make decisions within the boundaries set when it’s age-appropriate.
Failure is not looked down upon; instead, they’re guided and supported through their challenges and setbacks, addressing all things they face.
- Clear Examples:
A child may ask if they can watch TV after dinner. The parents may say, after we have dinner and wash up, since you have school tomorrow, if it’s not too late, you can watch TV.
- Effects on Kids:
There are enormous, positive results with this parental style.
Children grow up to be autonomous, capable, and reasonable adults; emotionally self-regulated and well-balanced both socially and professionally.
They develop self-discipline, self-control, and have high self-esteem; they have learned to trust themselves and their own judgment.
-
Permissive Parenting- “Please Be My Friend”
-What is Permissive Parenting:
Permissive parents don’t want to upset their child; instead, they want to be their best friend. They often let their children decide for themselves before they are ready.
They’re highly responsive but not demanding, giving their child the impression of ease, everything going their way, ultimately preventing them from setting any limits or boundaries.
They are nurturing and warm, without discipline, often letting the child decide on everything before it’s age-appropriate. They believe they’re teaching independence by giving them this freedom of choice.
Parents often struggle to set boundaries, prioritising their child's happiness over necessary structure.
- Clear Examples:
A child wants to watch TV instead of eating dinner. The parent might say, how about we watch TV on the couch and eat dinner as well?
- Effects on Kids:
Children often struggle with structure in their lives through to adulthood. Anything different to their home environment causes resistance as they’re used to the familiarity of getting what they want, when they want.
They have difficulty in setting limits and boundaries for themselves, and can suffer from anxiety when something doesn’t go their way.
Often, they may struggle with self-regulation and can experience challenges in relationships as they could be self-centered and prioritise their own needs.
-
Uninvolved Parenting or Neglectful Parent - “I Don’t See You”
-What is Uninvolved Parenting:
These parents, in general, aren’t interested in their child’s upbringing. They are neglectful and would rather not be bothered. Their absence is evident.
They often suffer from their own mental health issues or from past negative experiences or a neglectful upbringing themselves.
Some parents may consciously want to offer a free parenting model to their kids, but mostly it’s parents who don’t really want to be involved in their child’s development. They’re not intentional in their parenting method.
The child’s emotional needs aren’t met, and often their practical needs aren’t met either.
- Clear Examples:
There is no sense of family or connection, so a child wouldn’t even ask if they can watch TV after dinner. Everyone fends for themselves.
- Effects on Kids:
A child doesn’t feel a sense of belonging or worth. Often, a child may have developmental issues and perform poorly in school.
These children commonly suffer from depression, get in trouble with the law, or can have problems with addiction.
They struggle in their adult life and with self-regulation.
Other Parenting Styles and Their Effects
-
Helicopter Parenting - “Mama Knows Best”
-What is Helicopter Parenting:
This type of parenting is often exercised with good intentions by parents, as they want the best for their children.
Often, parents don’t know how to set boundaries for themselves. As a result, they want their children to do well in school, so they’ll help them with an assignment; they don’t want their children to be tired, so they’ll complete errands for them; they’ll find a university for them.
They basically will be one step ahead of them, ultimately making their decisions.
They’re overprotective and think they know best, believing they're helping but are actually preventing their child from developing resilience.
- Clear Examples:
A child will have their food prepared for them and served to them. The child won’t even ask to watch TV after dinner. The parent has already thought of what makes the child happy and has already overcompensated.
- Effects on Kids:
There is often a lack of maturity and an inability to find their place in the adult world, as everything was decided for them.
They can feel insecure making decisions themselves and may seek confirmation from their parents.
They might feel that the world isn’t safe and may be fearful of moving forward.
-
Free-Range Parenting “You Can Decide”
-What is Free-Range Parenting:
Often likened to permissive parenting, the free-range parenting style aims to give the child freedom, self-reliance, and self-assurance by encouraging them to do things by themselves. To ‘figure it out’ on their own.
In contrast to permissive parenting, here the parents are somewhat aware of what their children are doing and may also offer more structure and guidelines.
Parents promote independence and responsibility, while the child explores their capability.
Free-range and attachment parenting are considered more aligned with Gen Z parenting values today.
- Clear Examples:
The child is encouraged to make their own meal. Something basic. It’s assumed they know if they can watch TV after dinner, if they’ve done their homework.
- Effects on Kids:
Free-range parenting style has positive outcomes for a child and their adult life.
They learn independence and autonomy, and understand their capabilities at their own pace. They’re considered to be creative in their thinking and problem-solving.
They are often in tune with their own needs and abilities and have a natural grasp of working through problems step by step.
However, depending on the age at which independence is promoted, it could cross over to neglectful parenting if the child isn’t ready yet, isn’t acknowledged or encouraged.
-
Attachment Parenting “Always Within Reach”
-What is Attachment Parenting:
Often likened to authoritative parenting, with an extra emphasis on contact and nurturing from the age of newborns to toddlers. Gentle parenting shares many characteristics with these styles.
It supports the idea that newborns need their parents' presence intensely. That may mean a mother being on standby to breastfeed, not letting the baby cry, and using physical touch and affection to calm and console the baby.
The mother needs to set boundaries, as this often leaves her feeling depleted and neglectful of her own needs.
In Jean Liedloff’s 1975 book, The Continuum Concept, after spending a few years in the Amazon with indigenous people, she studied their method of raising children. Community was everything, and the babies were always attached to their mother, or to someone when the mother couldn’t. People tried it in Western culture and were amazed by the results. The aim was to carry the baby around for months consistently; this way, the baby was in contact with an active person, naturally discharging in their energy field. It somehow regulates them, and they get used to adult energy.
- Clear Examples:
Attending to a baby crying, running to breastfeed, soothing its moment of distress or discomfort.
- Effects on Kids:
There are mainly positive benefits to attachment parenting, due to a child receiving support, affection, and care from a young age, which creates confident and capable adults.
However, it’s key to create boundaries between parents and children throughout their development to avoid creating co-dependency on both sides. This could create negative results for the child as it transitions into adulthood.
On a Personal Note,
In today’s times of social media, external influences are at your doorstep. Raising children has an extra layer of challenges.
Gary Vee, an entrepreneur and social media pioneer, when anxious parents ask him how they can protect their children from social media, his answer is, “to build their self-esteem”. He advises a mum in this video on her anxiety about this matter and shares how he raises his 13-year-old daughter.
He also talks about his mother when he was nine; he opened the door for an elderly lady; she made him feel like he won the Nobel Peace Prize. His story is worth listening to.
As you see your future self walking with your now-adult child, arm in arm, you reflect on those anxious moments when they were a newborn, and you wanted to be the best parent possible.
Guided by research on parenting styles, combined with love and trust, you realise that yes, preparation is important.
Along with presence, support, and validating your child, this is a complete guide to guarantee a well-balanced, joyful life for them, with strong connections and deep self-love, belief, and self-esteem.
Whether you lean toward one style or blend several, trust yourself. Combined with your parental intuition and unconditional love, you already have everything you need. You will find your very own parenting style.
Photo by cottonbro studio
Parenting Styles Chart
Your Quick Reference Guide To All 7 Parenting Styles.
1-4: The 4 Original Baumrind Parenting Styles.
5-7: The 3 Modern Parenting Styles.
Leave a comment